Category Archives: Personal

Personal posts

Personal

LifeHack Exercise: 4 Facets of Prosperity

1 Comment

On my RSS feeds this morning, I saw this really good post on LifeHack called “20 Questions to Help You Reflect the Past Year“. It looks more like an exercise on evaluating on how things went in the last year as well as gauge possible things that could be improved upon. I want to put out my thoughts on the past year and possibly leave my life open to readers who wish to add their thoughts and input to the mix.

Material prosperity

  • Did you achieve your desired net worth?

No, I was unable to attain my net worth due to repayment of my debts as well as resolving my financial standing.

  • Did you achieve your desired income level?

No, but my employer has their tiered income level system that I am subject to and I do not have additional certifications to merit me a higher income.

  • Have you built the habit of being able to spend less than you earn?

Slowly, but surely… The only thing hindering my ability to save money has been my family turning into loan sharks rather than a “bank” by demanding a higher repayment rate. I typically end with $100 – $200 left after each month from this, so the ability to grow is hindered. I have been scouring “second chance” deals or Craigslist for any technology items should the “desire” to spend pang away at me.

  • Have you been able to eliminate debt?

As far as debts go, most of it is gone. If you count the last 2 debts I am paying out of pocket for, my parent’s loan, and my car note together, my negative equity would be about $13,000. I plan to resolve most of this for the next 5 – 6 months by sacrificing school to increase repayment to my parents while steadily paying off my other obligations.

  • Have you built the habit of saving?

Saving has been much better towards the end of this year, save for the hindrance of my loan sharks. I can say that it is nice to see $100 – $200 at the end of the month instead of $0 by the end. Hopefully with increasing my work load for the next term I can hold a nest egg for once in my life.

  • Has your career progressed as you wanted to?

l have actually taken a course I never expected to in my career: ascension to a leader. With my seniors gone to their own paths, I had big shoes to fill. I had learned to step up to my actions and take accountability for the results of my actions. I tried to groom one subordinate into a skilled partner for me, but that ended in failure from their lack of aptitude, poor maturity, and lacking desire to be accountable for their actions. One of my new subordinates, their growth is not progressing, but stagnating even with all the push for learning that I have tried to emphasize. The second of my subordinates, they are progressing very well and may possibly be my successor if my wild gamble pays off by June. I never expected to have to take the reins and help assist my superiors, but their guidance has really helped me polish up how I stand in my career.

  • Have you reduced your spending on some unnecessary expenses?

Actually, I have done well in this sector. On moving back home, I have learned the value of a home cooked or hand made meal as eating out really did some damage on me financially. Especially when a simple thing like a burger combo at a fast food joint cost $5 – $6 average versus a hand made sandwich or lunch ran a marginal $1 – $2. Bargain shopping for tech items has considerably saved me from spending much more than I desired. Even bigger savings were found when I would research potential items I wished to purchase only to find the thoughts of other users dissuaded me from dropping lost cash.

Spiritual Prosperity

  • Have you found your life mission?

As far as my “mission” in life, it is to be a healer of others and to repay the world for giving me a second chance to live. My profession has given me small chances to impact the lives of others and that has only encouraged me to chase that mission until the end. I have been thankful for being able help render aid to others in my own way at the office and I hope to ascend higher for much more responsibility.

  • Do you feel fulfilled?

Fulfillment is still a distant journey for me. After taking a journey into the bowels of Hell while being cast out of Heaven… I know the extremes of being pure and being a sinner. After that powerful journey, I realized that being a devil or angel was not for me… but I needed to refine myself as human being before I can say that I am ready to ascend to the ideals of an angel. I am honored by people saying that I have polished out into a saint, but I can’t accept that until I am fully able to live up to that title. Until then, I will try to seek fulfillment of myself until I can understand my own humanity.

  • Could you honestly say that you are happy?

That’s a question that is hard to pen down in stone. With the burden of debt and being known as the black sheep of the family, it really puts a barrier to the limits of my happiness. I know that things are turning around for me in my life, but it is the physical and material that seem to bar me from true happiness. I have been confiding in dear friends for guidance and that has softened the pain that it is not as intense anymore. Learning happiness is one value that I know I need to work on for the up-coming year.

  • Have you built the necessary habits for spiritual growth?

Meditation is something I have learned to combine into my life with things like listening to music, shaving or working out. From my meditations, I have learned a little more about myself and what I need to polish up to complete myself as a human. I should do some more dedicated meditation with music as it ends up being rather therapeutic and usually inspires great thought.

Physical Prosperity

  • Have you built the habit of exercising?

Since December 10th, I got a gym membership to the community run gym in my city and I have been working to tone up myself. I had very little chance this year to step up my physical training this year, but my hope is that this will help me better my health as well as myself.

  • Have you built the habit of consuming nutritious food?

I have changed my diet since moving back home with my parents. My metabolism has regained its speed again with a clean diet of home made meals that are low in preservatives and processed fats. With trying to better my financial status, I have minimized take-out or fast food meals to only social hang-outs only.

  • Have you had good rest?

This is one facet I am lacking on. I have been doing battle with insomnia and well, I just can’t seem to win. I am just too panicked on my finances and as well as the state of my office being a potential damage radius zone from one of my poorly performing subordinates taxing my great partner’s patience. I do need to relax and forget the world on my off days… I will probably be looking to trying to sleep more and not beat myself so hard on working out that it taxes my sleep.

  • Do you feel physically fit doing your daily work?

With as much running and dashing I do at the office just to make sure everything is done, I believe I am in fit shape. My mind, however is probably taxed to hell with the constant concerns racing through it ever day. Once I shut out my mind, I am sure everything will unlock itself and be well again.

Social Prosperity

  • Has your relationship with your spouse/girlfriend been as good as you wanted?

To be honest, when the ex broke things off… I was disappointed as I was never given a “fair” chance to try resolving things. Sometimes failure only means a battle has only begun. I can’t always win, but I have finally found what I wanted in a person. Hopefully my expectations will take my future relationships to a direction that I would like to progress to.

  • Has your relationship with your family been as good as you wanted?

This part is one that is really odd. Ever since the loan to get me out of debt… my relationship with family has become one more of business rather than family. We speak less and less like members of a family unit and more like a loan shark hassling me for repayment. My sister Alice, her opinion is hazy on me. Some days she sees me as “the enemy” antagonizing her to keep up her prodigal work. Then there are the days where she sees me as one of the infantry with her on the battlefield. My cousin Sol, we have been bonding closely as comrades in arms. He is basically living an “alternate reality” of my life and it freaks me out, really. He’s been the one family member I have come to rely on greatly as a confidant on family related issues.

  • Has your relationship with your friends been as good as you wanted?

Friends, I had another thinning of who are my true friends versus who were acquaintances after the break-up. I learned the true value of friendship and learned who to separate out of my life. I have been trying to develop better relationships with my friends so that I can be a better friend to them. As far as I know, things seem to be going well.

  • Did you make a lot of new friends?

From the Ubuntu Linux folks in Dallas, I made friends with them from being the former assistant leader to the group. This led me to making quite a few friends with other groups. One of the ex’s friend-of-a-friend’s really stood out as a very classy, stand-up woman and I was glad to have met her. To her, I would like to express my thanks to you for being there for me when I though I was insane. It is something that cannot be valued with a price because it is simply that valuable to me. My new found friends have become a strong support net to hold me up when I fell and I am very thankful for them.

  • Did you get to know people from more diverse backgrounds?

Mainly from my elderly clients and listening to the experiences they faced. I have found some of my friends to be saints with regard to what they fought. It has opened my mind that life can be intensely complex but at the same time… we all struggle with our demons.

Personal

One Month of Zen, Blades, and Grooming.

Leave a comment

Some people have noticed the cuts and scars from my face. I can say that embracing the principles of Zen and the mantra of “Live by the Sword, Die by the Sword” with straight razor shaving has been quite a journey. I walked the path of a razor edge because I was sick of my skin panicking from cartridge shaving with products like the Gillette Mach 3, Schick Quattro, or Gillette Fusion. Not only did these products freak out my skin, the aerosol gels and foams numbed my flesh to the poor shave that I got from them. Razor burn and ingrown hairs were things I did not really enjoy. Shaving became more of a chore than a male grooming ritual.

Places like Straight Razor Place had testimony from people with sensitive skin saying that using premium shaving creams, a straight razor and other shaving gear really made shaving tolerable. Some claimed that ingrown hairs became a thing of the past or that razor burn just plain disappeared. I had to give it a shot and see if it could give me a chance to learn proper grooming. I got a Dovo shavette as my entry level tool and it has worked well for its use. In the beginning, rushing would get me cut up and marred. The scars are a painful lesson that patience is a virtue.

From one month, my technique is rough but I am getting better results. I haven’t had razor burn, acne, or ingrown hairs from the experience. Using cheap shaving soap was a bad mistake and I will be going back to the Bath and Body Works rebranded Proraso shaving cream. I do personally feel that I need to look into buying a Feather Artist Club RG razor and truly learn how to shave with a full sized blade as the Dovo shavette has a smaller blade. When money is more plentiful, I will definitely invest in Feather’s complete set-up (pre-shave, shave gel, aftershave) and maybe some nicer shave creams for more formal events.

Taking up straight razor shaving has been like a meditation ritual for me. I feel at ease to put my trust in a blade that could fatally hurt me in order to look my best. Some days after a hard day of work and getting no peace from my family… Nothing seems more relaxing than to just whip up the lather and let the blade slide down to remove the hairs from my face. To become one with that steel edge, it just ends up being therapeutic in some way.

Personal

Presents, Booze, and Hookers – Comedy and Fun

1 Comment

With cases of pneumonia going around and the same with strep, I hope everyone stays warm and tries to keep inside today. Most establishments are closed today so there’s not much to do anyhow. For those late risers, wake up and open your presents already! To those who had a late night 😉 I hope you didn’t have too much fun with drinking and having sex. If some of you are “trapped” with family, try to make the most of a “day of forgiveness” and spend time with your loved ones. To those who unfortunately must spend this holiday alone, find a friend to hang with to try to enjoy today. (A little alcohol and Christmas spirit never hurt anyone!)

As for me, today will probably be spent talking and laughing with my cousin Sol, playing online games, possibly calling distant friends, writing, and hanging out with family. Family’s “truce” with me is a bit short lived, so I do wish I had some good whiskey or amaretto to sip on the rocks while having a blast with Sol. I don’t have a strong PC anymore, so PC gaming is a bit limited on my scope. My portable games are pretty close to completion, I just have to buckle down and get the games completed.

I hope that those of you who got presents got pretty sweet ones, ’cause I didn’t get anything. Not that I “need” anything, but today is more a day of reflection for me. To be mostly out of debt is a thing that has a value that cannot be compared and I thank my family’s charity for that. Purchasing this domain is somewhat a gift to myself, as I had been meaning to purchase my own site and make a more “professional” looking web address but things kept setting me back. I know that Merinda helped me with the purchase, so I can’t take all the credit for gifting myself.

To those who got a lump of coal in their stocking, feel free to comment and go reflect on this year while doing a shot of liquor or a bottle of beer/ale. With 2008 on the horizon, you can recover and amend things for the new year. I look forward to a new year of opportunities, hopes, and dreams… Most of all, I hope that my wild gamble of a plan works… because if it does, then I will have redeemed myself.

Personal, Rant

Christmas is HELL!!!

1 Comment

I tried to pick up an iTrip for a friend for Christmas and I got to see wanton chaos in retail settings at an unprecedented scale. The shop next to my office had the iPod section striped BARE. You had remains of the peg board and some torn cartons just left. A second mass merchant yielded much of the same… The electronics specialty shop looked like a tornado ripped through it. You had children fighting with parents on “Mommy, I want [insert name of toy/electronic gadget here]!!!”, people on the phones with the person they were attempting to gift for, and the terrible checkout lines.

I understand the need to shop last second is apparent, but for the love of all that’s holy… People should have the courtesy of being polite to each other, not this frenzy of “I gotta buy this or my kids won’t love me!” If a parent is worrying about how much a child will love them, then they should have a better parent through out the entire year rather than be a jackass to the entire world for the last few days of Christmas shopping due to procrastination.

Personal

Inject, Infuse, and Fight.

Leave a comment

It’s almost the end of the year and what a rocky road it has been. I confronted my debts, almost paid the toll of my life a few times, embraced open source software, and went a spiritual journey. There were a few times where I almost lost my soul from everything muddling the water, but with a few good friends they had pulled me through. I am thankful for meeting my friends because I know that fate brought me to them for a good reason.

My friends helped me find solace in myself. I had to change who my friends were to ones who could give me a new view of life. A stale view from friends stagnating in their fallacy of foolish living just seemed to constantly put me in the wrong. Once I realized I knew what I had to do, the only thing I lacked were mentors. When I found my mentors, I knew that I could finally begin the path to the way of perfection.

With my job and the positive changes, I found that my new boss and my assistant manager would become somewhat like a brother and sister of mine, albeit older. They wanted to be a little involved with my life, because they knew the pain of struggling and suffering without anyone to offer a listening ear. With their concern, I felt like I had a second home to speak my mind. That second home being a fusion of a hall of learning and a hall of healing. My clients and their happiness also served as another pillar of strength as that was the “fuel” I used to keep on fighting. When things looked absolutely dismal, just to see one of my clients smile and say something as simple as “Thank you Zero, your persistence is very much appreciated!” makes me feel great that I could positively impact their lives.

As far as myself is concerned, I am in a unique predicament due to my sketchy finances. With owing my family on a loan that pulled me out of debt, they are seeking restitution at a faster rate. I have 2 more minor debts that I must polish off and after that… I will be clean from those. I also have a few vital things that must be taken care of on my car Devil which will run me a few hundred there. I am prohibited from accepting any more loans from my family and any banking establishments until I have repaid 85% of their initial loan as part of their agreement. This leaves me in a bind as I am paying for my classes out of my own pocket. From the matter of fact, I may just spend the next 5 months working to death to amass a sum of money and get all of my financial work straightened out. After all sides are square, then the money will go into savings and be nested up. The IRS should be giving back cash, rather than demanding it from me for once. Lastly, I have a wild gamble that may pay off but I must bide my time until summer but that requires some capital. To be honest, I could care less if my family wants to offer to reduce my car note to nothing, because the term is almost over and it’s pointless. If my gamble pays off… then my efforts to reduce my debts to nothing on my own will demonstrate my abilities to control my own financial destiny again.

If I haven’t made mention already… Family is making a ruckus about Christmas gifts and all. For me, I know I deserve no gift from them and that’s perfectly fine. As long as I can hang with my cousin Sol, work out like a maniac, and write for this holiday, I could care less about being told that I need to hurry with repayment or have a Christmas where I am being yelled to death with my family. I do wish for some better things, but I won’t fight it.

I would like to close this post with a challenge to myself: If I can burn off 15 lbs (from 155 lbs) by February 11th of 2008, I will buy myself a media player of some sort with an armband strap to take with me to my gym sessions.

Personal, Rant, Technology

Mobile Phone Crossroads, We Meet Again.

1 Comment

Call me odd or a phone maniac… but I love mobile phones. Ever since engineers found ways to pack a wallop of technologies into a small shell, it’s no wonder why people are almost replacing their laptops with these devices. Though I will admit that in the early days, the devices were not the prettiest looking shells or operating systems.

I had my taste of smart phone ownership with a Motorola MPx220 and I can say it was quite possibly one of the most horrid examples of a “smart phone” ever to be experienced. The lack of being able to free up RAM from killing applications and Motorola’s poor expertise back then with Windows Mobile were the things that just made for a poor quality device. At the time, Windows Mobile 2003 was just terribly limited with growth and freedom. It had me desiring more out of a more “intelligent” phone.

I would eventually step into a T-Mobile MDA (Windows Mobile 2005) which I would unlock myself to use on Cingular/AT&T. Windows Mobile 5 was leaps and bounds ahead of the game, but there were “limitations” with this device as well. By default, the device is alright though it could use significantly better things to improve its usefulness. The only problem to increase the device’s productivity? Well, two issues:

  1. Productivity suites cost money. The best of the suites that I got to try on my friend’s device were the SPB Software programs. These programs re-skin the Today screen of a Pocket PC device to display information in a more intuitive manner. But to get a good suite for a Windows Mobile 6 device that does not have HTC’s touchFLO interface on it, you’d have to spend almost $100 for a great set-up of the SPB Mobile Shell ($29.99), Pocket Plus ($29.99), Diary ($19.99), and Phone Suite ($19.99). Granted, this argument can be nulled out with any HTC device that has the HTC touchFLO interface which does the same as those programs, but is built into the phone at no cost to the end user.
  2. Additional RAM is required from running these instances of productivity suites. Back when I had my MDA and had a “tricked out” Today screen, my phone was not running at its best… So I had to remedy that with overclocking the processor from its stock speed of 195 mHz to a 220 mHz. The only thing was the crippling the device was the limited amount of RAM. I dare to say that on devices like the T-Mobile Wing or HTC Herald, running productivity suites would just diminish the device from being a “great” Pocket PC. For devices like the AT&T 8525/HTC TyTN, AT&T Tilt/HTC Kaiser (or TyTN2), or the HTC Athena, this may have minimal impact and nulls that argument. (Any owners of these devices, feel free to correct me.)

Why did I give up the MDA? A vital function for any phone I own is that is must be able to be a reliable alarm clock for me. After a few occasions where the MDA would lock up from RAM issues, I had let it go. I would try Nokia’s Symbian S60 smartphone interface and lack of touch made the experience feel so disconnected, though the phone features were dead on reliable. Palm’s tired out Garnet OS would make for a great experience, but with limitations on using the phone properly with T-Mobile would have me seeking to trade out the phone for something more along the lines of a Sony Ericsson device.

I love my P990i, don’t get me wrong. Quite possibly one of the best phones I have EVER owned and I do stand by that statement. It’s a dead reliable phone and even has a touch screen interface with a keyboard. Sony Ericsson has made me a fan for life and I will continue to recommend their devices to people seeking a fun alternative to bland domestic phones while trying to avoid high prices world phone imports. I have played with the P1i and it just feels like it has lost its sense of identity from the lack of a keypad flip. The failing of the P-series currently is the devices have a memory leak after awhile and reclaiming the RAM can only do so much before the phone needs a reboot. Something that reminded me of my old MDA when the memory leak was so bad that the device needed a reboot. It was a shame that Sony Ericsson’s delay of the P990i’s release only made it a device that was just too late to make a big splash in the ocean of smart phones and PDA phones.

This leads me to a debate of what I should consider stepping into later on. With my site up and having my own mail server, getting push e-mail will be a service that I will definitely be considering. Web use is more an optional thing, but would not hurt which makes wi-fi a great option to look for. GPS is a nice thing to have as I have had moments where I thought to myself “Why don’t I have GPS?” Productivity is a big thing as it would make a “smart phone” pointless if it is not productive. So what options does that leave me?

I know some of my open source friends would say “Why not Open Moko?” My response is just I don’t have much time to be mucking with my phone’s innards. With the eve of Google’s Android and the Open Moko team not making a fast enough push to make it a viable platform, it has left me a bit sour on considering it. I don’t much like Android either as it seems to push a guise of “open source” but with an influence of “Google is your new god” somewhat makes me a little uneasy like it is a false sense of freedom. (My buddy JJNova has shown me some things that even make me a bit distrustful of Google as well.)

BlackBerry devices currently are a bit limited on features depending on which path you follow. T-Mobile USA is getting a BlackBerry Pearl update with wi-fi in February after their Suncom merger, but it will lack GPS. Then there’s the case of the Blackberry Curves for T-Mobile and AT&T. T-Mobile’s version has wi-fi, but lacks GPS. AT&T’s is the opposite with having GPS and lacking wi-fi. While Research in Motion (RiM) has said the FCC is limiting what they can and cannot put into their devices… They supposedly have a new device in the works. If the new device can combine wi-fi and GPS, RiM may just win me over. Now, if they can make their net browsing just as good as their mail system… it may be serious heat for the Windows Mobile crowd.

Windows Mobile would return me to a device I am “familiar” with. The only issue is that syncing in Linux with Windows Mobile is a rather difficult matter to resolve. To be with a device of this caliber, I’d have to muck about just to make a back-up of my contacts on a Windows XP machine. So a sacrifice of freedom all in the name of smartly backing up my phone book… An odd sacrifice if anything. Going BlackBerry still runs into this issue as well, so it is “lose-lose” to a sense.

If anyone wants to throw some insight to help me with my future decision, it would be much appreciated.

Personal

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas”

1 Comment

With a hellish year like 2007, it’s hard to turn around and be happy on “the most wonderful time of the year.” I realize that it wasn’t all bad, but most of it was pain and writhing. I would not find solace until the end of this year. My debts finally coming to an end. Family relations are not much better, unfortunately. Some claim that when we are born into the world, we are born cold, miserable and frustrated. I can see how that idea could come to mind with what I have learned with Buddhism: “All life is suffering”.

In my city, the temperatures keep dropping or rising… Rather than the “traditional” image of a northern Christmas with snow and cold temperatures, it’s just cold days dropping to the 40’s or warm days rising to the high 60’s. It is a pain, but I am not a deity with any gift of meteorological control. I just would like for a “consistent” winter, not this odd fluctuation. Like today and tomorrow are supposed to be somewhere close to the 70’s but somehow Saturday is going to be close to 40’s and 50’s with miserable rain.

My hopes of a great Christmas got quickly damped by 2 surprise expenses that hit me out of the blue… but I can manage until recovery. Most of my loved ones know about my issue and understand. Then there was a personal issue that bothered me until I came to a self realization. Exam results I have not checked due to fear and loathing in addition to pressing issues at my office being more of a priority at the moment. The office has been chaos, but I hope with the new year that there will be positive change.

I have learned to be thankful for the mixed blessings I have and to be thankful for my supporters no matter where they are. My thanks for being there for me in my time of darkness, because without you all… I don’t think I’d be able to get up and fight once more.

Personal, Technology

Wish List

1 Comment

I am not much of a brand nutty person, but I do have wishes to have certain things. I know I am a bit limited on my budget, but it’s always nice to post up things I hope and aspire to own. These things aren’t necessarily the “latest and greatest” but they are fun to look forward to. Hopefully, I can step into owning them with time.

Technology

  • Memory Stick Pro Duos
  • Memory Stick Micros
  • A separate/dedicated MP3 player (for gym use)
  • LCD Monitor (to replace a CRT that should be retired)
  • DVD burner
  • Bigger external hard drive (or a huge media player)

Grooming/Self Care

  • Feather Artist Club RG straight razor
  • A better shaving brush
  • Better shaving cream
  • Shaving suppliments (preshave, aftershave, etc)
Personal

How sweet it is..!

1 Comment

Today is one of the few days I have felt my best. To be around people who are non-biased to things that had no relevance to them was better than the last few weeks. I ended up throwing my confidence around and approached one mature woman at the party. It was fun to just have a great conversation with someone who’s grown up and not tied to needless drama. In addition, she had a spine of her own to speak her mind out her opinions rather than rely on the “commands” of her friends.

My friend was mingling around her work friends and had a great time, though she was laughing and jocking on me saying I found a date at the work party of hers rather than be her date. It was good to be a whole town away and just have fun with not being concerned with a single care in the world. Family is finally calling less, but it’s more when they have concerns on when I am going home. It is great to see my uplifted mood from working out is finally paying off. Things are looking up at the office as well and that has been boosting my mood higher.

To my “date” that I met at the party, thanks for the fun day! For my friend who dragged me out, my thanks for having me come out and get away from wanting to mope around my home office.

Tomorrow begins a new week… I wonder how bad the office will get, because it’ll be the final rush before Christmas. I forsee that it will be hell and chaos to boot. Clients trying to take care of affairs before our doors close for Christmas day. I know my newer partner will be helping me maintain my sanity, I can’t say so much about my other partner who’s been training for almost 3 months… The holidays are a time where mess-ups just cannot be afforded, especially when emotions are on a high with clients.

If I haven’t mentioned it to my readers… Happy holidays from me and may the new year bring about great things to all of you! I wish you all well and the best of things to come in your lives! I know many of you have had some of the most difficult of struggles, but maybe we can all get together and celebrate life one of these days.

Personal

An Antidote to the Most Vile Venom

Leave a comment

On my lunch break at the office, I had a musing about myself to reflect on the life I have lead. This one hit me like a bolt of lightning, so I just went typing away in a flurry. It’s not the path I ever predicted to follow, but I do not regret the experiences that have molded me. Life is both filled with good and bad experiences.

I think that I have come a long way as a man. I have been on both sides of life and death with living to tell the story. I have come to learn at age 23 some of the life lessons that my family tried to instill in me. Life is terribly short and people die soon. I wish that I would have forgiven the fallen instead of letting my grudges come to pass. Now, they are long passed and they cannot hear my sorrow. This has been something that has bothered me for a long time.

I finally have learned to forgive myself. Five years of sin and personal delusions. I have not forgotten, but I have learned to forgive. My “suffering” feels lighter. My “pain” hurts less. But that all was not possible until one person finally said “I forgive you.” To my friend, I say thank you. That is enough to get me on the road to recovery. I realize that with the road to recovery, there will be challenges that may ask me to really understand myself. After the end of my life of chaos, I understand what people mean when they say “You have to fall, before you can understand how to walk“. It’s more a saying that I have found to carry a powerful meaning: “Failure is a means to learning how to become successful.”