Tag Archives: family

Eulogy of a Phoenix

I want to say that I don’t dislike my parents. I feel they are GREAT people when they are being reasonable. I do take part of the blame for being an impish kid in my past and probably burning them out. For that I own up to it and have no shame taking full responsibility. However, I wish they would understand that after age 18… I, as their offspring, can’t be molded and shaped to their exacting expectations. I also don’t take too well of being reminded of my past. There’s a reason I say “Don’t remind me of my past or you WILL make me relapse into it” because I whole-heartedly believe that our past is just a stepping stone. Sometimes these stepping stones are what give us bruises and scrapes all over us. But you all still have the misguided opinion that if we’re in a protected bubble and live off the hear-say of others that we can be “perfect”… That’s not living and learning. It’s called being lazy and vicarious. I would much rather live through the 5 years of life with my ex than to have been under some ignorant ideal called “perfection”. In those years, I learned about finance, laws, living, romance, and friendship. I also did one important thing… I learned to become my own man.

I am sorry if I am stubborn, but I feel it will be the best thing for me.

As for my sister, she has forever lost my trust. Until she loses everything and learns not to burn people who are her friends… I refuse to speak to her. If she wants to appeal to my heart, she can wait 5-10 years to speak to me. I am sure she’ll lead the perfect life she so desires without nuisances like me around. So to her, I will warn her to tread carefully as I still hold a “tactical nuke” of data that I could drop at any time to make my point clear.

From this point onward, I shall seal off topics regarding my family. They can consider it my form of forgiveness.

Double-13, A Birthday and Declaration of War

Tonight… I had my loyal friends show up to laugh, dine, and spend an evening with me. I am glad that my friends were there to help me celebrate an early birthday before the next week of school. However… It also is the night of my ultimate dishonor from my family. Let this fact me know… For my birthday event, I didn’t make presents mandatory because I value the company of my friends before anything material. My expectations were for a friendly gathering of people eating and wind away the night with a drink.

My sister decided to bring the war to my footsteps. So by next week… I face the hardest battle of my life. To be fair, I have my own “tactical nuke” to deploy on my sister with regards to family drama. I will say this: I do not die silently. I die fighting.  My sister will regret making my life Hell because I will ensure that she will regret causing me to essentially declare an emotional war with my family.

I leave this quote as a prelude to the “Theatre of War”…

Do unto others as you would have them do to you.
Luke 6:31

If I don’t talk much, just know I will probably be trying to re-stabilize my life…

Being Caved In… [Personal]

The school year has been a rough start as some of you can tell by the lack of updates… I have battled a lot of spamming comments and luckily one of my comment plug-ins fixed that issue. This year seemed easy, but I need to pull together my support network and really crunch down on studying. Studying has been pretty intense and I am not in regret from it. Sometimes the greatest heroes started off as academic grade soldiers… From this, I have forced myself to feel like I am doing academic battle like a warrior of the battlefield by having a “school uniform” of sorts. It feels good as I almost get amped to do battle but with books instead of swords!

However, on the home front… It’s still a rocky battle. I don’t expect acceptance from family anymore as that is almost a lost cause. I understand that I am not the eldest son they hoped for, but even with that, I still love them. I am doing my best in things, but at the same time… I wish they realized that I try not to ask for their help because I hate burdening them with things. Something like food, supplies, assistance with car repairs are all things that I keep silent to myself. I do it because I feel that my family has enough burdens on them with regard to the matter that I was bailed out of trouble from them. Some reason, I see myself becoming an outcast by my own accord…

These hardships often make me feel like I am being caved in by human realms… but at the same right… It’s a battle we all go through with growing up. I know that with all things, we seek guidance from above and once we get it… it all makes sense. I may be in a cave of troubles… but in time… I will find the exit and I pray that when I reach the exit I will find a night sky lit up by fireflies.

Holy Dishonour or Unholy Honour [Rant]

Family gets an invitation from a family friend that their son is to be married in 1 month. I used to know the guy, but since I took a different strata, I no longer know him as a person. Family oddly gets the bright idea to drag me via sidestream to attend. In my case, family has ALSO made numerous comparisons on how the guy is vastly superior in his life…

Let’s put two-and-two together… From the comparison talk, I have inspired myself to probably take Maymester, Summer I, and Summer II. Oh… What a coincidence, I can’t go to the wedding! Family raises hell that I am being “selfish” and “dishonourable” yet at the same right… They have made many grievances that they don’t have a son to bring them honor. It goes back to the old adage of “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” It simply doesn’t work that way. I just want to end this stage of life and finish school… Simple as that. If I have to be “selfish” for “honor“, so be it… I have come to light that all battles cannot have fairy tale outcomes. I have to finish what I have started…

If this shows I am dishonourable for finishing my quest for a degree, then I am at peace with my decision. If I am disrespectful for choosing not to observe someone else’s union, consider me as so. I have fought too long under a banner that I have clashed with and I know that even I must find my own beat to march to.

“The Truth is Charity is a Lie” [Rant]

So… my own honor was called out today.

My own family demanded to know what happened to my Blackberry Curve. I had asked “Why? What’s up?” and got the “Oh… you could give it to one of us in the family or we could sent it to Vietnam” response. I found this odd because of a few factors:

  1. My parents and my sister don’t like smartphones. They have always made fun of me for my love of smartphones. “Why is it like a mini-computer? Isn’t that foolish from the small screen size?” They never shared my passion of being able to have life prioritized all in my finger tips.
  2. Most of the Vietnamese public has gone gone ga-ga over the iPhone so phones like Blackberries and other phones have gotten the backseat from how everyone there wants one. I’d assume my Blackberry would not be appreciated and well… It wouldn’t be cared for by someone who’d honestly kill for a good phone.

I had intended to give it to my cousin Sol, ’cause his Sony Ericsson P910a had not been to kind to him with dropping text messages and other. I like being charitable to Sol, because to me… He’s not just my cousin, but he’s one of the closest friends to me. So on mentioning my intentions of giving Sol my old Blackberry Curve 8310 so he could have a decent phone…

Apparently, thinking that Sol is like blood was bad form. My family decided to remind me that even cousins, aunts, and uncles can’t be trusted and the schism they had with my uncle and aunt back in the day… I have told them that Sol and I have been friends through thick and thin… but that got me into the “You’re a foolish idiot” mess.

Maybe I was from my past covered in the sins of my foolish choices… Maybe I still am from the fact I am willing to climb mountains to become a full fledged pharmacy student. Maybe I am a fool for being so kind to a world that has had enough mercy to let me live. Maybe I am an even bigger fool to give my own life even if it meant that my friend could live just another day… In my opinion, I owe this world a big favor and I haven’t paid my dues so I don’t mind this “foolish” path. I know that this path is one that only a beggar would choose… but for me, it absolves me of my flaws from the past. It makes me happy that I have to fight hard to go further, because that is how life is to be!

So the ultimate result… Comparisons to peers I can “never surpass” and I will never succeed to anything. My charity is “misguided” and it will get me “killed”. That ended on the sour note of “Charity is a lie… it doesn’t lead to anything good”. Maybe that’s a cynical view of life… but for me… I believe that sometimes charity is the one sign that I haven’t given up on this cruel and ugly world.

Mark my words and maybe my grave… Charity is something I believe in and Sol will get my Blackberry! I will not die with the name of “Faithbreaker”.

Bon anniversaire à moi

Birthdays! A joyous occasion to serve as a reminder of that special person’s entry into this world. While I’m still feeling the fuzzy, warm after-effect of being showered with gifts and praise, I’d like to take this time to thank each and every friend, family member, and even stranger that has remembered someone as insignificant as me. Even more thanks to those that have gone way out of their way and do everything possible to see me flash a smile. (Here it is, =D) I appreciate all the thoughtfulness and hope to spend many more days with you all. <3

Staking in for the Blind and Showing of Hands – Texas A&M Commerce

So today I took a journey to Commerce, Texas and take a gamble on my academic fate. A friend needed me to be navigator, but also found out that Texas A&M Commerce has a pre-pharmacy program. I figured “what’s the harm of sitting 1 hour in a car to navigate?” because ultimately, it could benefit me. If the event was a bust, then it wouldn’t be like going “all in” but rather folding my hand of cards. It wasn’t much something out of the ordinary, as I arise at 8am… but with torn glutes, quads, and hams… It makes for a difficult task to want to get out of a warm bed.

After brushing fangs and forgetting to mix my whey protein shake for breakfast, I’d make a beeline to my friend’s house to rendezvous with them for our trip. For once, traffic in Dallas was favorably nice! I had never been out to East Texas, so seeing the real country side was interesting. The amusing part for me was seeing a Carl Jr’s out on I30 East as that restaurant was a mythical restaurant that didn’t exist in the south, until today. The boring nothing was spontaneously broken up with scenic views of lakesides and the nice overcast sky with the clouds peeping out. The journey took an hour, but traffic was not as bad as my friend had predicted. Being avant garde made us extremely early, because our tour was scheduled at 2pm and it was 11am. I’d throw in my application and just inform them that I was going to have my school submit my transcripts via fax or mail. They have a policy of not eating the application fee unless acceptance is confirmed.

The next phase was to do “logistics” and locate shops for provisions. There was a Wal-Mart across I50 from the school. There are some fast food restaurants not too far away. The funny part is that there’s a liquor store about a short walk from the campus. An O’Reilly’s is about a short distance from the school, should I need car parts on short notice.

After eating a quick lunch and ratting around Wal-Mart for logistical reasons… We wandered back to the campus to prepare for the tour. It was brisk tour in the 40F cold with gusting winds, so it was not a pleasant for an experience. Our guide was great and quick… I was impressed by the facilities. The recreation center looked vast, but we didn’t explore there. The overview of the facilities revealed something very slick, a rock climbing cylinder! Something I’d kill to tackle after getting my arms back in shape… Most of the buildings are either being built or being upgraded, though some of the new buildings (1-2 years old) look great! The sciences building (where I will probably spend the bulk of my studies) looks like a pleasant environment to be in. After looking into things like transfer requirements and what essential courses I need to polish up on.

I like the campus, dearly. To be isolated in Commerce, away from the buzz of Dallas and the suburbs will keep me from wanting to spend a single dollar locally on weekdays to minimize my expenses. That and to be separated from “civilization” will allow me to concentrate on my studies. For once, I could care less about civilization and the metroplex. The big break from my family to be able to concentrate on my school work is the biggest incentive. The final hurdle is my coursework which I hope I just touch the 2.0 minimal GPA, after that, it’s more on me to pray I can get federal aid or loans for the $6,000 – $8,000 tuition.

For now… I hope that things work out for me, because I want to excel high. I would like to keep this as a surprise to my family if I get accepted… because I know right now, they see me as a “failure” or a pathetic buffoon. To be fair to myself, I have been slaving at my toiling to succeed. With fighting my personal demons, academic redemption, and debt, my mind has not been able to vector on progressing further with my education. I know Sol has witnessed me fall and pick myself up from shambles… With my supportive friends, they have helped mend and sew me together. I will fight on, because I know that I can succeed. I savor success and crave victory… I just wonder if family will cheer me on if I am accepted. If they do, then good. If not, then I shall hold myself high and stand proud.

Pictures are now online via my Flickr, enjoy! – ZeroXR

Pale Solar Flare
Pale Solar Flare

Expanse of Nothingness
Expanse of Nothingness

Gloomy Horizon
Gloomy Horizon

Commerce Sign
Commerce Sign

Hopes and Desires for the New Year

I would like to start the new year with a positive note. The year of 2007 had its share of painful trials and tribulations, but after some positive reflections… I think I could learn to love life again. I am disappointed from the loss of my friends who flaked on me, but it’s not like they were any good to me. From the flames of my own immolation, I was reborn and rebuilt from my true friends, my mentors, and most of all myself. I know from my debts, I cloistered myself from my friends because I was ashamed to hang out with them from being the worst off. With most of my debts behind and just a more centric focus on my loan repayment, I should be less stressed this time around.

I would like to spend more time being close with my friends and family for 2008 as a token to them for being there for me. I know some people have basically sat through my bouts of word vomit about the pains of my life or trials of my job… To them, words cannot even begin to express my gratitude. Rather than do the things that the younger folks like doing (going to the clubs, getting wasted, etc), I would like to do much more mature things with my dear friends like meeting at a wine parlor for a drink of wine or spirits while conversing. With the lost year due to debt encumbering me, I understand now what my mentors meant by “soon, you’ll see life fly before your eyes.” I have been so out of touch with my friends that it has been shocking throughout this year to hear things like “You know, that person died?” or “She got pregnant and is marrying in 3 months!” was a bit of a blow to me being sheltered from my own existence.

To my dear friends, both distant ones and local ones, if you ever have free time… Give me a call. I’d like to catch up on the times or even catch a meal/drink if possible. Because I know most of you all have had drastic changes or even dropped off the radar! I would like to do my best as a good friend and try to catch up with the times. Be it as simple as catching a burger or sitting down with a glass of merlot wine, all that matters is that I am doing my best to be involved in your lives.

I know that the majority of my family is a “lost cause” because of their stigma of me being the “black sheep” both figuratively and literally; while cousin Sol redeems me as almost like a brother as we seem to lead parallel lives. I am out of touch with my own family due to the fact that I broke out to the “cruel world” and experienced things that opened my mind. I know that my experiences were much like a Pandora’s Box sort of thing so I changed as human person, rather than a naive child. I know I am not the most academic person like my prodigy of a sister or a “genius” like my cousin in Florida, but I do not quite like being thought as just a plain failure. I don’t much like the vanish rewards dangling in front of me bit either, as it makes little to any difference to me. I know my family has been trying to “bribe” me to getting into a bigger school with the reward of having my car note paid and throwing a sizable down payment to getting a brand new car of my choosing, but I don’t see how that will work out if I am still going to be repaying a loan to them. For once, I wish that they would break things down honestly to me and just give me the truth. I could care less about them paying my car note, because with only $8,000 left, I am sure I can handle it. Down payment for a new car, forget it. I would be more than fine if I could just pick up a cheap little Acura Integra GS-R sedan for a couple grand with my own money then have the stigma of “You owe us!” hang over my head. I can always wait for my “new car” after my degree. From my realization that I had evolved away from my own family… I realized that I can’t fight for them, I have to fight for myself and my ideals.

This year, I hope to get into stocks and securities to try making some cash as a next egg. I have some ideas of which stocks to look out for, just the issue is buying in. My mentor has offered to learn me up on stocks, so I have been taking in his wisdom and learning. It doesn’t help that my gym basically has CNBC streaming stock news and the ticker with potentially hot stocks or stocks that are quickly turning into garbage. Unfortunately, I don’t have the money to subscribe to some stock analysis sites… so my only other option is to use Google or Yahoo finance to analyze various securities and piece together news reports for determining possible good or bad stocks. If I could get into stocks enough to secure my future assets, I would probably be able to finance my education on my own.

I am honestly surprised with my progress with working out and I hope to step up my intensity harder to gain more results from my effort. My body seems to be adapting quickly to my training, as my arms, legs, and abs are showing the seeds of my progress. A dear friend invited me to be their date for a wedding they were invited to, so I would like to look my best for that event some time in November. I have my 3rd month goal in February (2/11/2008) to try to be slimmed down to 140 lbs mainly to try trimming off my body fat index because I am at about 23% body fat. Hopefully with the incentive that I have set myself that I can reach my goal and bring down my body fat percentage down, then steadily gain muscle mass by November.

As for my car, the poor thing needs its 60,000 mile service soon. I would have gotten it done this month, but well repaying the loan sharks for parents seems to cause a fight when I say “I am trying to save up for my 60,000 mile maintenance”. I just hope my car lasts until then. The poor thing needs new rear tires and I know I have been trying to get better wheels… I hope to just save up for some good wheels and tires to do an upgrade on my car, because I think my car needs a wider patch of traction. With the new wheels, I may look into a total brake system upgrade that looks very close to stock. I know that I will probably I will probably be considering a Brembo set of discs with a set of 4-piston calipers. I am going to be seriously considering a brake pad upgrade until I can do a disc and piston upgrade for improved stopping power. Safety wise… I am looking more into rollbars and a stock hardtop as I know family has been voicing more and more concerns about my car. I am not going to itemize my desires, but I will say that safety and chassis strength is my focus this year.