Holy hell, it’s been almost a whole year since I have written anything in this space. As an man of Asian descent, I have been trying to reconnect with my roots culturally as I have been dying to reconnect with culture. As a geek, I have been making a slow return to intellectually stimulating hobbies such as Magic The Gathering and Munchkin to get my brain exercising again. With phones, I grew bored of the iOS universe and found an eventual movement to Android because the inner gadget hacker in me craved a new challenge. This phase of my life has been a rebirth of sorts as a lot of these things were sadly repressed for a while. I will confess and say it feels great to be a geek again without harassment on being proud of my intellect. As a preface, this is a dedication to all of my close, dear, and most loyal friends. Continue reading Reconnecting to My Roots and Thanking My Dearest Friends
I would like to thank the following few folks for keeping me from doing something stupid or kicking the bucket. You all may have done something small, but to me… It means a whole lot. It’s good to know that help is not far with you all around to give me an inspiring set of words or just a simple “Are you ok?” This one goes out to all of you all who just kept messaging me and trying to keep me sane and from picking myself apart.
Bonny, you have my thanks for hearing me out and having me hang out with Hai and the gang. It helped me end things on a good note, so I am very grateful for the reality check.
Linda, thanks for all the consoling on the last few days. It means a lot to me when you shoot a simple message just to make sure that I am alright.
Merinda, thanks for shooting me inspiring messages all day to keep me going. It made surviving work a little easier.
Amanda, thanks for at least letting me know that I should need not worry about myself. I know you have mentioned that I should be seeking my own merits rather than fracturing them.
She, my thanks for shooting a message to make sure I am ok. Hopefully, you got my message about what all happened.
Rei, thanks for the phone call… It was probably like the IV line I needed that was full of reason. I know I have been tearing myself to shreds but the reason made it all hit home.
Cousin Sol, you sir… you went above and beyond. Your urgency to my situation was like that of a combat medic. Thanks for being there for me and hearing me out on my phone call.
Desiree, you have my appreciation for checking to make sure I was alright.
Jan, even though you’re my assistant manager… You’re like a mother and a close friend to me. Thank you for your encouraging words, they mean the most to me.
Lastly… Twitch, thanks for your insight on things and giving me advice that was almost like the quelling dose of IV Dilaudid. It wasn’t quite what I hoped for, but in the end, it was like the best course of therapy.
From the 9 folks of the above… They all had one theme in common in their kind advice:
Forgive yourself, because above all things… you’re human.
I realize I have forsaken myself many times all because I couldn’t realize that I had my own merits. All I can do is be driven by my own hopes and dreams in search of strength. I need to fuel myself harder on tearing more new adipose tissue. I will have to fight hard with Commerce on the way to get my degree. The most important quest of all is to realize myself, my potential, and that I am ultimately a good person.
The most important pearl of advice is from Merinda:
Never lose your dreams and honor, that’s what separates you from others in this world.
It’s almost the end of the year and what a rocky road it has been. I confronted my debts, almost paid the toll of my life a few times, embraced open source software, and went a spiritual journey. There were a few times where I almost lost my soul from everything muddling the water, but with a few good friends they had pulled me through. I am thankful for meeting my friends because I know that fate brought me to them for a good reason.
My friends helped me find solace in myself. I had to change who my friends were to ones who could give me a new view of life. A stale view from friends stagnating in their fallacy of foolish living just seemed to constantly put me in the wrong. Once I realized I knew what I had to do, the only thing I lacked were mentors. When I found my mentors, I knew that I could finally begin the path to the way of perfection.
With my job and the positive changes, I found that my new boss and my assistant manager would become somewhat like a brother and sister of mine, albeit older. They wanted to be a little involved with my life, because they knew the pain of struggling and suffering without anyone to offer a listening ear. With their concern, I felt like I had a second home to speak my mind. That second home being a fusion of a hall of learning and a hall of healing. My clients and their happiness also served as another pillar of strength as that was the “fuel” I used to keep on fighting. When things looked absolutely dismal, just to see one of my clients smile and say something as simple as “Thank you Zero, your persistence is very much appreciated!” makes me feel great that I could positively impact their lives.
As far as myself is concerned, I am in a unique predicament due to my sketchy finances. With owing my family on a loan that pulled me out of debt, they are seeking restitution at a faster rate. I have 2 more minor debts that I must polish off and after that… I will be clean from those. I also have a few vital things that must be taken care of on my car Devil which will run me a few hundred there. I am prohibited from accepting any more loans from my family and any banking establishments until I have repaid 85% of their initial loan as part of their agreement. This leaves me in a bind as I am paying for my classes out of my own pocket. From the matter of fact, I may just spend the next 5 months working to death to amass a sum of money and get all of my financial work straightened out. After all sides are square, then the money will go into savings and be nested up. The IRS should be giving back cash, rather than demanding it from me for once. Lastly, I have a wild gamble that may pay off but I must bide my time until summer but that requires some capital. To be honest, I could care less if my family wants to offer to reduce my car note to nothing, because the term is almost over and it’s pointless. If my gamble pays off… then my efforts to reduce my debts to nothing on my own will demonstrate my abilities to control my own financial destiny again.
If I haven’t made mention already… Family is making a ruckus about Christmas gifts and all. For me, I know I deserve no gift from them and that’s perfectly fine. As long as I can hang with my cousin Sol, work out like a maniac, and write for this holiday, I could care less about being told that I need to hurry with repayment or have a Christmas where I am being yelled to death with my family. I do wish for some better things, but I won’t fight it.
I would like to close this post with a challenge to myself: If I can burn off 15 lbs (from 155 lbs) by February 11th of 2008, I will buy myself a media player of some sort with an armband strap to take with me to my gym sessions.