Putting My “5oul on D!splay”

For the last while, a song from Gran Turismo 5 (which I reviewed for MTB) hit straight to the core of my heart just from the lyrical content from it. I have wanted to reflect on it a while and with finally clearing some of my work queue, I finally have a chance to put out my feelings over the song. It’s a moving song from the matter of breaking the conformity of others to keeping one’s own wishes and dreams alive. The song is titled “5oul on D!splay” by Daiki Kasho from Gran Tursimo 5’s soundtrack.

Eyes go shut
I dissipate
Into thin air leaving no trace
Distant voice
Not listening
Why don’t you just save your breath?

It’s nearly been 7 months since I picked up my things and vanished from my family. I still remember when the drive opened up in my heart to desire my own will and free myself of a personal agony. I know many watched my soul writhe in agony, my will slowly atrophying, and (as a human being) just languishing. Sometimes I wondered if inhumanity was part of being human and I began to hate what I was slowly becoming. There was that one driving energy that kept pushing me to keep me from going sour and I just had to open my heart to that energy again to run with it.

All of your words feel like a jail
That blocks the sun and makes me stale
Not enough gold in all the world
So why have I surrendered
To your abusive ways

The cracks have opened up to the core
Is there anywhere to go from here now?
Sick with the lies consuming our souls

My family had made many a promises of things to be given to me if I conformed to their ways… Eventually I ended up realizing that it wasn’t worth my sanity and personal integrity and I broke free of the bonds on my heart. It was an ironic awakening as the power struggles I suffered ended up unlocking me to rediscovering the person I truly was on the inside. I am not the calculating soul… I am a big dreamer and that is all I want my soul to embody, my own dreams. I just can’t believe it took this long to unlock that from my mind.

Give me one reason to take the breath we breathe for granted
Hold it in so long that you forget to say
Give me one reason to remain confined within the fences
Here with you and my soul on display

I can still remember the years of fighting I endured and suffered. In a sense, it was like emotional suicide. The few times I began to fracture, the inner force that kept me to my roots began to appear. As much as my family rejected it and kept trying to break me down in order to keep me to the mold they desired… They had only excaberated things and more of my own personality began to show up. It was like holding a demon captive and hoping that eventual prodding of it would make it weak but only to find you were just getting the demon mad enough to break free.

Bite my tongue
Swallow the pain
A bit disturbed by these displays
Now we’ve got nothing to say
The silence growing deadly

So here we are drifting apart
Neither willing to drop their guard
Haven’t we got something to say?
The distance growing deadly

From years and years of pain
The cracks go deeper than we can see
Let’s take a good look at where we are now
Maybe the end’s the start that we need

When I struck out from my family and decided to become myself… I vowed to destroy any remains of my weaker willed soul. I cut off communications with my family and my family still tries in vain to contact me. I have refused to back down because I want to send them a message that I am my own person and not something that can be thrown in a cookie cutter. I may have been harsh with my approach but I think my own self-destruction to myself was the only way to show that the concept of family drama, power struggles, and family honor mean absolutely nothing to me. They always had a saying that “Trash should be thought of as that… Trash. It cannot be redeemed or saved because it is worthless!” It baffles me because in my wake of self-destruction from their philosophy, they are trying to redeem me. There have been days where my phone will ring several times with voice messages left for me and I end up deleting them on arrival. I know some have said “Maybe they finally realize that if they write their own kin off as trash, they may never see their own child again… Think of it as them trying to finally forgive you for showing them the error of their ways.” I have slight issue with this, because of the fact that I have always known my family to be iron-fisted and unwilling to accept change because they felt it was easier to enforce the law of conformity than to let someone be the wildcard and embody the creative forces of chaos.

Give me one reason to take the breath we breathe for granted
Hold it in so long that you forget to say
Give me one reason to remain confined within the fences
Here with you and my soul on display

Life is too precious to waste

Give me one reason to take the breath we breathe for granted
Hold it in so long that you forget to say
Give me one reason to remain confined within the fences
Here with you and my soul on display

Life is too precious to waste

Life is too precious to waste

Overall, I do respect my family for bringing me up as an upstanding person. At the same time, if they do truly feel sorry then I am sorry for them not understanding how much a person’s soul means. Breaking someone to become what you want them to be only works either for some people and depending on their receptiveness… You may completely break them or you may fail at your endeavors causing the person to completely go the “wrong” way. My soul is something that is on display and the life in it has not burned out… If anything, it is getting much more vibrant. I guess the thing that sticks with me is that if my family wants forgiveness from me, they have to learn that my soul isn’t something they can tamper with anymore and it’s time to let go of old conventions.

There is one exception… My blood sister will never be forgiven. I don’t care if she suffered medical issues and had to undergo chemotherapy. I don’t think I’d even have the heart to care if she came up to apologize to me. She has always been the person to ruin the days of others all for her personal gain and to relish in the misery of others because she seems to lead a miserable life. To her, eternal silence is all she will get from me and I will forever refuse to acknowledge her existence. I will never back down from this, because she was never able to let go that some people are capable of being happy without worldly riches, a sheet of paper saying “I am this smart“, and continually scoffing at the world. For her lack of respect to the world, I will only erase her existence from her mind and dismiss her as nothing but a fragment of a disrespectful ghost.

For the song, check out the video below.

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